Maybe, I was raised wrong.
Let me correct that – I know I was raised wrong.
But maybe, if I was raised differently I wouldn’t have this lingering feeling that I’m trapped in a mysterious treacherous loop.
This loop is littered with dead, pain, intense fear, anxiety and weird situations that don’t make sense.
Some of it feels like lies.
More often than not, it feels like a prison.
Nothing gets in or out of this prison.
Feelings of hurt or joy can’t penetrate this self-made cage inside.
It is an infinite loop of the hottest flames circling the unknown. Within this unknown is something beautiful. It is covered with layers of shit, rot, and pain.
It is not even visible most days, but the beauty is still there.
Once and a while, in a foggy memory she shows up.
Jeanie is in there. She is unhurt.
She hasn’t been covered with the layers of sewage that keeps her prisoner. She isn’t happy, but she isn’t hurt. She is just trying to understand what is going on.
I don’t know how to reach her.
I fear I can’t protect her.
I know if I don’t try, I’ll continue to live this way for the rest of my life – trapped in this loop.
I have to try.
The first time I tried, I noticed a change.
There is another brighter thing hidden deeper in there. This only comes out when the pain is really bad. It shows up after all the foggy memories dissipate.
Its an indescribably beautiful light chasing away the darkness. This light comes from a strange place, but it comes with answers.
This light knows things.
I’ve never been one to preach about a higher power, but this light is the closest thing to an enlightened being I’ve ever experienced.
It’s as much a part of me as the trees outside, but it is still part of me somehow. It is trapped inside me in the infinite loop of grief.
Jeanie and the light that know things are trapped in this loop that I am terrified to breach.
I know I have to if I want to heal, but I am terrified.
Every single waking moment is filled with insecurities, anxiety, hurt, faded or false memories and most of all – hurt. If I was raised right, this battle would not exist. I wouldn’t have to fight this sludge to save Jeanie or the light.
If I just had parents who loved me. If I just had a family who wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t be sick. But, I didn’t, and I will continue to be sick if I don’t do better.
I have to start. I need to have a clear head before I enter the cave inside.
It is incredibly scary in there, but I have to open that door.
Here goes everything…
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