Thursday – The usual
“Don’t talk.” She whispers as she anxiously cleans before he arrives home.
She can’t do much about the relationship, but she has control over the house, so she exerts that power. She frantically cleans anything in sight.
“Don’t talk to him.” She reminds herself in a slightly more audible voice in a walking meditative chant.
It’s is how all the trouble starts. She reminds herself internally.
“Mommy, DON’T TALK.” Her 2-year-old daughter, Serenity repeats, pulling her from her trance.
Her innocent mimicry brings a smile to Amanda’s face. She looks at her daughter who is now trying to feed her doll a gummy bear. She sighs slowly as she realizes that is the only social interaction she will get for a while.
If only I could tell her. Amanda wonders, and sighs again. I wouldn’t want to burden such a beautiful child.
Her thoughts focus on the happy musings of her daughter until she catches the red glow of the nearby clock. It is 5:47.
Despite her desperate need for social interaction, she forces herself to try and not talk.
It never works. She always talks, and she regrets it when he says something critical.
Flashes of memories of his previous criticisms flow through her head. His welcoming words are never welcoming. They usually consist of anger, attacks, and various insults.
We don’t communicate well. She repeats internally as she realizes the futility of her charade.
Recently, she has been analyzing all of her life choices until this moment. He would certainly not like her conclusion about the two of them.
He has to know something. She rationalizes internally as she thinks of all the arguments they’ve been having.
She has been angrier, even argumentative towards him. Eventually, whether she likes it or not, she knows she will have to tell him. At the very least, he will know when she is not there to be his verbal punching bag.
He has never been physically abusive. He has never cheated. But, he has never been there for her. He has also never allowed her to feel secure, comforted or loved. He is too busy getting high. He can’t deal with her until he is High. She is miserable.
Until recently, she always sold herself short. She always jumped into the first relationship and held on for years longer than she should have. Afterward, she always wondered why it didn’t work.
Now she knows.
Now, she wants to change it, but she is still too afraid to take the first steps.
This is the reason Brian entered her life. Brian is wonderful to serenity. He seems to appreciate her and offers her more than she has been offered before. But she knows she will only enjoy his attention for a short time.
She knows their future is short too. Even so, she needs Brian right now. She needs that interaction, even if it is wrong. She doesn’t know where else to turn and he is a willing ear to listen.
She can’t tell anyone about their meetings, but she knows that soon her daughter will be old enough to speak. Amanda hopes that by then she will be in a better place.
Her thoughts quickly move from the man she spends most of her waking moments with to the other men in her life.
She is afraid to be alone. The stories she has been forced to believe are the ones that convince her she is nothing without a partner.
Her best friend Mike has recently opened his heart to her. She genuinely loves him, but she knows that her love is different than his. She is too afraid to lose him. She enjoys the time she spends with him. Besides working, Mike is one of the few friends Stan allows her to see.
Before she finishes her thoughts, her daughter pulls at her pant leg.
“Mommy, carry you.” She says with her arms outstretched, waiting for Amanda to swoop in and pick her up.
Amanda happily picks her up, but her mind is still wandering.
Am I a good mom? She worries.
“Mommy love you.” Serenity coos as she pats Amanda on the back.
Amanda melts. She loves her little girl more than anything in the world, but she is nervous. She has no idea what she is doing.
She is entering new territory and she feels as if she is struggling to keep her head afloat.
As she slowly circles her living room, she hears the familiar squeaking of her door. Even though there is no immediate threat, she tenses up. Stan walks in.
“Hey, Baby!” He says with a familiar happy-sounding voice.
Her shoulders loosen only slightly as she repeats her mantra “Don’t talk” internally.
“Hey.” She says as happily as she can muster. Her signature nervous laugh appears against her will.
“How are you? How was work?” She says as she continues to fight the urge to talk about her day.
“Work was heavy today. I had another bad back day.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Anything I can do?”
“Yeah, If I take 2 ibuprofen, and a Xanax, can I still take a cold pill?”
“Uhhh,” she mutters as she fights the urge to say more.
“I mean, not really,” she mutters, “It’s not going to kill you if that’s what you ask. But, it’s not good.”
A couple of minutes pass as Stan swallows an assortment of pills, and loads a small cigarette pipe with weed. Amanda stands in the front room uncomfortably.
“So,” She eventually mutters, “Babers, had a good day and..”
“That’s good,” he interrupts while passing by her. “I’ll be right back.”
He quickly races into his backroom. She hears the familiar sound of clicking lighter, the ting of his metal pipe, and coughing.
She tries to convince herself to get comfortable but can’t seem to get there. Serenity grows bored with being held. She wants to take a bath again, so Amanda attempts to busy herself.
Serenity takes off towards the bathroom and the overpowering smell of marijuana wafts into the hallway. Amanda tries to avoid the bathroom in case he comes wobbling in. She gets frustrated when he spits and dirties the bathroom in front of her.
Instead, she tries to convince her daughter to play with toys in the living room. A few minutes of struggle happen before Amanda is successful. Eventually, Serenity toddles back down the hall and finds amusement with a doll.
Amanda walks passed her into the kitchen to be surprised with another mess from Stan’s dogs. Instantly, she is angry. She desperately wants to stop this terrible behavior, but he thwarts her at every attempt. She grumbles as she cleans the mess and Stan comes back out.
“We have to do something about this!” Amanda pleads as she has so many times, knowing that nothing will ever change.
“I can’t live like this!” She says angrier still.
“What do you want me to do about it!?” He indifferently responds.
“I just want one ounce of effort from you!” Amanda says as she clenches her fists, holding back the river of emotions that want to break free and drown him and her.
“Alright, you’re right. Whatever.” He’s heard this argument before, but he doesn’t care. He refuses to put effort into training the dogs. Home duties are the woman’s job. If she can’t figure it out, that is her problem.
“Did you have a bad day?” He says.
His comment feels like a jab. The dogs have been a topic of arguments since practically the beginning. Yet, he refuses to allow anything that requires him to not get his every desire. Including having untrained aggressive dogs roaming around the house destroying it. His approach is to deflect any argument by blaming any problems on Amanda for not resolving it.
The dogs have bit everyone in the house and strangers can’t be around the little monsters. Which benefits Stan because it gives him a reason to demand she has no one over.
A tense silence ends after Amanda sighs and grabs more cleaning products. She reminds herself – We’re done – but the urge to yell at him burns her inside.
“Look; I work hard already. Why can’t you just get over it or fix it?”
She angrily wonders why she didn’t leave in the beginning. He stands there, calmly diminishing any feelings or complaints with an arrogant hand-on-hips stance. For six years, she allowed his disrespect.
She used to force herself into silence because they share a child, but that argument isn’t convincing her anymore.
The dogs are merely the most immediate issue they have. Unfortunately, Amanda’s self-esteem allows a lot of the name-calling. Often, she even agrees with the insults, allowing herself to be hurt by a handful of cruel words.
Serenity ambles in, “Bad Goggie,” she yells while pointing her finger at the nearest dog.
Amanda quickly swoops her up and begins to play with her and her toys. It is a moment of happiness in Amanda’s otherwise confusing situation.
Serenity’s favorite thing to do is play with water. She enjoys pouring water from one cup to another. Amanda happily watches as Serenity amuses herself.
After 10 minutes of playing, Stan comes out, freshly washed. Amanda sees and immediately comes out with Serenity in tow.
“Can I have a cigarette?” She says softly.
“Yeah,” he moans as he rolls his eyes. “Go ahead. I mean, I just worked all day, but whatever, get your break.”
Amanda puts Serenity with her toys and quickly suits up for the cold outdoors. Within seconds she is outside, puffing from a Marlboro.
She doesn’t enjoy it, She just needs it. This is the only time she will get a break until Serenity goes to bed. As the routine settles in her head, her mind wanders.
She begins to think about the other men in her life again. She looks forward to going to work again. She looks forward to talking to men who treat her nicely.
She knows they all have ulterior motives, but so does she. She wants people around who will make her feel valuable.
Brett comes to mind immediately. She wants to avoid thinking about him, but she can’t stop. He makes her feel happy by just being around. The resistance doesn’t last. Amanda daydreams about a future relationship with him.
Suddenly, Serenity bangs on the window near her. Amanda realizes she has to return.
Stan watches sports, ignoring everything around him.
Even though she is happy to see her daughter, she can’t help but wonder. Am I a bad mom?
Am I going to be bad, like my mom?
The thought brings chills. She spent years forcing herself to forget the past. Her history was not loving which would explain her acceptance of her unkind boyfriend. However, Amanda doesn’t see that, she only sees anger towards her mother.
Stan’s parents were better, but they spent their entire marriage in different affairs. Amanda determines she will offer her daughter better.
She engages Serenity in play and cleaning, but her mind is in a fantasy land.
She dreams of a better life, one with all the love she never had.
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