Two: Another Failed Attempt – Avoiding the fearful life
Nicollette Bridge, Burnsville, Minnesota
Passing vehicles and rowdy mall-bar crowds make Julie’s exhausted sobs invisible. She sits on a cold metal bench just over the highway bridge. The perfect cover of night allows no one to take notice to her.
After a silent moment, she narrates to her phone. “Why does it have to be this way?”
Her words translate to text in a word application. She switches from tired speech to sobs. Red weather-chapped hands clutch the phone tightly.
“I can’t deal with the memories. I can’t figure out how to stop this. I just want to tell everyone why before I finally go.”
The dropping temperature adds a slight chatter to her speech. Intense internal pain makes her oblivious to her external surroundings.
“I’ve never understood why life has to hurt so bad.” She moans. “Everything hurts. My first memory is of abuse. Most I’ve forced myself to forget but some is just too hard to forget. This is at least the hundredth time I’ve tried and hopefully I won’t fail.”
Her mind travels to the dreary trenches of her memories. Her Mother’s constant lies and her Father’s sick abuse. Her siblings who aren’t much better off than she is. The environment her life created brought her more death and more hurt. Physical pain rises from her stomach and stops sharply at her head. To avoid the thoughts, she starts speaking again.
“Death is the only thing that gives me peace, but I keep screwing that up too! I wished someone just understood. Just let me go! So, I guess these are my final words.”
“I don’t want to repeat this cycle of abuse, but I can’t seem to change my brain. I can’t live like this! It’s too dark in my head; it’s too much.”
“I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I can’t just fit in either. I feel everyone’s pain. Everyone hurts, and I feel it.” She pauses to stand.
She leans against the metal walkway railing and looks down into the darkness. Its oddly silent. No cars have passed in a few seconds. Her expression straightens.
“I can’t get rid of these memories, or this pain. I can’t live, and I can’t die. I’ve tried so many times.” She puts the phone in her pants pocket and climbs to the top of the railing so she’s standing above the inter-pass.
“I’ll just have to keep trying until I get it right.” She says more confidently.
As the takes a deep breath she lets gravity do its job. With only a slight lean she is now beyond the point of no return. She is embraced by the wind as she finally frees herself from the bridge top.
Finally, she smiles. Then, she realizes she had time to smile.
Something is wrong
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